What helped? What didn't?

Mali recently wrote almost the personality traits that helped her heal subsequently infertility -- in addition to those that didn't help. She invited us to brand ain lists (Infertile Phoenix did too). Here's mine:  ;)

What helped me heal:

• (As I told Republic of Mali inwards the comments department of her post:) I for certain believe that beingness a feminist helped me, inwards that I strongly believed, long before I had to bargain with stillbirth & infertility, that I was to a greater extent than than my uterus, in addition to that I did non NEED to go a woman nurture to receive got a fulfilling life. I for certain wanted in addition to expected to go a woman nurture & I was devastated when that didn't go out -- but it was non the only affair that I based my identity or self-worth on, or the only affair I knew I wanted to attain with my life.
• Like Republic of Mali & Phoenix, I am pragmatic/practical. I'm also a fleck of a skeptic/contrarian. Republic of Mali & I grew upwards inwards a similar timeframe ;)  (the 1960s/70s), when many of society's messages in addition to structures were beingness questioned -- especially for women. While I'm real traditional inwards some ways, in addition to I did desire (& expect) spousal human relationship & a household unit of measurement for myself, I chafed at the expectation/assumption that I would conform to a traditional woman's life path. The to a greater extent than sure adults questioned why my manful somebody nurture would "waste money" sending me to academy (because I was simply going to acquire married & receive got babies, right?), dropped huge hints almost pregnancy before the ink on my spousal human relationship license was barely dry, etc. -- the to a greater extent than I dug inwards my heels & resisted conforming to their expectations...!  
• Like Mali, I was older when I began ttc in addition to went through pregnancy, stillbirth in addition to infertility. When you lot attain your belatedly 30s/early 40s, you lot laid out to larn almost (& laid out to larn to accept) life's limitations (if you lot haven't already). At that age, I knew (at to the lowest degree on 1 level) that, statistics beingness what they are, getting important mightiness non go an slow thing. (Realizing that I WAS a statistic, though, was a lot harder to accept...!)
• We were pretty realistic almost the obstacles nosotros faced when nosotros began infertility treatments -- our ages (the statistics were definitely non on our side), our rails tape to appointment (not good), our finite fiscal resources -- in addition to nosotros laid a bound before nosotros began infertility treatments (although nosotros gave ourselves permission to re-evaluate). In the end, nosotros decided we'd had enough.  We didn't attain IVF -- but nosotros did enough, in addition to learned plenty almost the farther obstacles nosotros faced (low sperm counts, wonky ovulation, a bicornuate uterus) to experience that, all things considered, nosotros gave it a skilful shot, but the odds simply weren't on our side. We cutting our losses before the financial, physical, mental in addition to emotional costs became fifty-fifty higher than they already were. 
• Like Republic of Mali & Phoenix, I found/find it hard to believe that "everything happens for a reason" -- although I know that's something that others observe comforting.  I receive got a well-developed sense of cynicism in addition to dark humor (although I suppose some people mightiness non call upwards that was a skilful thing...!). 
• I moved closed to a lot growing up, which meant that (a) I was oft the outsider & (b) I learned to navigate through in addition to adjust to unfamiliar places in addition to situations. I came to believe I was capable of handling whatever life threw at me (even if I didn't ever similar it...!). I ever injure upwards surviving inwards the terminate (and sometimes fifty-fifty thriving).  I also developed a potent internal life that sustained me. 
• While I found/find it hard to allow household unit of measurement members & friends know the truth almost what nosotros were going through, I was able to attempt & observe back upwards exterior those circles, both from professionals in addition to from others who were going through similar situations, both "in existent life" in addition to online. 
• When I'm facing a novel province of affairs or employment or interest, I tend to enquiry the hell out of it -- obsessively. I read books, magazine articles, websites & online forums, in addition to inquire questions. I did this during my pregnancy in addition to inwards its lamentable aftermath, before & during infertility treatment, in addition to inwards making the transition to involuntary childlessness. I call upwards it helped me experience to a greater extent than inwards command in addition to (on the flipside) improve able to create attain when things didn't become well. (I expected others to go similarly good informed on these subjects -- in addition to I was sometimes shocked past times how trivial some of the couples nosotros met inwards the hospital waiting rooms & at our pregnancy loss back upwards grouping meetings seemed to know.)   
• My dh & I receive got a closed human relationship in addition to I call upwards that ultimately carried us through. Loss & infertility tin for certain drive some couples apart, but I call upwards it only brought us closer together. As I receive got oft said before, nosotros knew nosotros could receive got a skilful life together, simply the 2 of us -- because nosotros already did!  I similar to believe that, fifty-fifty if we'd had kids, nosotros would receive got made fourth dimension for each other & set our spousal human relationship at the middle of our family. I receive got seen several marriages closed to me crumble because the kids ever dominated everything, in addition to the spousal human relationship itself was neglected. 
• When nosotros in conclusion accepted that parenthood was non inwards the cards for us, nosotros were able to encompass some of the positives of a childless/free life in addition to envision what that hereafter could human face like: early on retirement (although it happened a trivial before than nosotros had planned...!); closer relationships with our nephews, including fiscal back upwards for their educations; indulging our honey of books, eating out on weekends, etc.;  buying that bigger in addition to fancier car, fifty-fifty though nosotros didn't actually ask one;  and go (although nosotros haven't done every bit much of it yet every bit we'd like). 

What didn't help: 

• Like Mali, I don’t similar failing.  I was not/am non used to failure. With real few exceptions, I succeeded with the other life goals that I laid for myself.  Academic success at schoolhouse came relatively slow for me, I did good at my job, I found a skilful homo to percentage my life with. I knew that if I applied myself & did the "right" things, I would go rewarded -- in addition to for the most part, I was. Pregnancy loss & infertility were a huge blow inwards that respect. 
• Like Republic of Mali & Phoenix, I don't similar the feeling that I'm missing out -- peculiarly when it's an experience that comes to in addition to therefore many others in addition to therefore easily (and that's oft taken for granted). 
• I receive got a potent sense of guilt. The feeling that I've allow others downwardly past times failing to reproduce -- peculiarly my parents, who would receive got been fabulous grandparents (and since my sis is childfree past times choice, I was their 1 shot at it)-- is (still) hard to create attain with. 
• I am an introvert, in addition to I tend to go real individual -- I observe it hard to order most people what I am actually thinking in addition to feeling (obviously non on this blog!! lol). I was tight-lipped almost our plans for ttc correct from the start of our marriage, in addition to few people exterior of our immediate household unit of measurement (and my bosses at work) knew when things started to become incorrect with our pregnancy. We did non order anyone when nosotros began infertility treatment. (It was hard plenty hanging on the results of every bicycle in addition to dealing withe disappointment, allow lonely dealing with the curiosity in addition to disappointment of others.)  Not telling people almost what nosotros were going through had its advantages (e.g., spared us a lot of dumb questions & assvice from people who actually had no clue almost what nosotros were going through) -- but it was a heavy burden to acquit alone, in addition to without support. It also sheltered those closed to us from the hurting of what nosotros were going through, Blissfully unaware, they sometimes said & did things that wounded us both (although -- every bit many of you lot know...! --  it's for certain possible that knowing the truth mightiness non receive got made a departure at that topographic point anyway...!).   
• I tend to soldier on through difficult, stressful in addition to painful situations, to downplay my ain feelings of sadness in addition to discomfort, far to a greater extent than in addition to far longer than I in all probability ask to. Far every bit good often, I receive got said yep when I in all probability should receive got said (and definitely wanted to say) no. (I went to a babe shower on the weekend of my milestone 40th birthday spell going through infertility treatment, for crying out loud...!) 
• I similar to THINK that I don't aid what other people call upwards -- but I do. :(  
• Moving closed to a lot when I was growing upwards may receive got had its advantages (see above), but it also had its drawbacks. I learned from a fairly early on historic menstruum that beingness a perpetual outsider sucks. I tend to go introverted, in addition to the older I got, the harder it got to brand friends & suspension into established social circles -- in addition to prepare back upwards networks. Most of us women grow upwards expecting, ASSUMING that nosotros volition bring together the mommy club, I am human;  I desire to go liked, in addition to accepted, in addition to to blend in, to go similar everyone else. I desire to go "normal." I crave blessing in addition to affirmation from others. (I call upwards of the fourth dimension inwards uncomplicated schoolhouse when, chafing against my picture alongside my classmates every bit a goody-two-shoes in addition to teacher's pet, I deliberately didn't plough inwards an assignment. My instructor was shocked, but grimly gave me detention, along with several other laggards. I was secretly gleeful at commencement -- but detention was boring, I was no to a greater extent than pop than before, in addition to my potent sense of guilt kicked in.  I speedily realized it had been a dumb sentiment in addition to abandoned that strategy -- give thank you lot goodness, lol.)  

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